Archive-author: RICHH
Archive-title: Computer Lab
At the time I thought he didn’t notice meWishful
thinking?. Later I found that just the opposite was truein his
basement, he had made a kind of voodoo shrine to me, and my picture
was on his coathangers, plus, he wanted his TWO DOLLARS!. I had
been watching him for maybe two months trying to decide what it was
about him that made my hormones go wildYes, they would all line up
and kick like the Rockettes.. When seated next to him I got so wet
that I was worried about leaving a stain on the chairlater I
realized that it was just my cigar-smoke that had triggered the
sprinkler above my desk…. I had read about pheromone in
relation to animals, but never thought that people were subject to
the same influencesCause I’m just a silly leetle girl. I could
*never* make a connection like *tha-at* Hee. Wanna see my
underwear?.
Why we frequently found ourselves in such close proximity
was another storyDoes this mean what I think it means…?. The
English department where I taughtEnglish as a second language did
not think a lowly adjunctgood word! needed a computer. In fact,
they didn’t even think I merited a deskor, hee hee, A POT TO PEE
IN! Silly ole me.. In reality, I didn’t need a computer as
programming was just a hobby for meYes, I think most English profs
would agree. “Computers…BAH!. I just liked the idea of making
a machine my slaveI, of course, prefer to make a slave my machine,
but hey, different strokes…
Thus we found ourselves seated in front of our respective
IBM clonesnothing gets me going like erotica chock-full of
computer references. If she later mentions IMSAI, and misspells
it, I will surely die. Altair? S-100 bus? Oh the humanity! on
an almost daily basis. With a little detective workI *asked* him.
Call me Samantha Spayed! I found out that his name was Alex and he
was an water poloinstructor in the computer science department.
Even if he had been a sexual zilchzero, I still would have
probably noticed him as we were the ONLY users of the two PCs in a
faculty lab filled with Macsand the only two who wore leather
bullet-bras *over* our halter tops. God! how I hated those
machinesWhat’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like
comp.sys.Amiga.Advocacy?. My prejudiceGod, how I *hate*
serendipidists!, like mostof my other unattractive features was
inherited, in my caseof the clap from my father. He has been
working with computers for the last 30 yearsin fact, he *invented*
the transistor! Shocking.. As a memento, he gave me his original
IMSA 8080Oh God, she did it! still in working order. I had been
brought up to think that computers should not be `cute’nor should
Sally Fields, but she’s a *button*!.
HermanGoering, the director of the lab, must have picked up
on my vibesbecause it wasn’t a cordless one, but one of those big
white mongo plug-in deals with the end that looks like a disc
brake. And boy, was it loud. as he would barely give me the time
of dayDoes anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody
really care. Lemme see, it’s six to four. That is, until I
hatched MY PLANI would corner the world silver market and then
found the USFL!.
One day, finally overcoming my shynessshyness is nice, but
shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life that you
want to, I glanced over at AlexTREBECK! Together, we would RULE
THE WORLD!!. Actually, I looked at his hallmonitorarmband,
notable for the penciled-in swastika and realized that he was
trying to piratea ship! But if you’re not the Dread Pirate
Roberts, then who is? an applicationfor employment at Denny’s,
which is silly, because if you just ask, they are required by law
to give you one..
“If HermanMelville catches you, he will hang you by
yourbarnacles and huge, gaping blowhole thumbnails and tattoo Mac
icons on strange parts of your body.Honey, there ain’t a part of
me that’s *not* strange. I’m from Canada.”
AlexWinter laughed and said”There’s madness afoot at the
Circle-K this eve”, “Oh, Herman and I are good buddiesWhat is…a
euphemism for ‘lifemates’?. I teach Pascal usingChisembop and
‘Hooked on Phonics’ the Mac and I frequently have to ask him
questions. Actually, I make up the questions so I can stay on his
good sidehis *BACK*!!.”
After the ice was broken, we began to skatetalk every day.
On about the third day, I found out about HIS OFFICEHe
was…POPE!. Since he was an instructor, the university deemedI
love when a word like this crops up. Remember ‘adjunct’?
‘Merited’?? And now *this*. to give him an office. It was a
hastyretreat sheetrock affair of about 70 square feet and a very
large Steelcase deskum, excuse me. It was a “hasty” office?
Well…you’re the wordsmith.. On the downsideof five o’clock here
at WOGL, and I’m gonna be sending you home with a little Bay City
Rollers Action: S–A–T-U-R–D-A-Y. NIGHT!?, it was located off
the very room in which I satthe *very*!. Despite these
limitations, it had a door with a lockof angel-hair pasta Scotch-
taped to it, the meaning of which eludes me even now. This was not
the point when I began to formulate MY 5 YEARPLAN, but I am sure
that it was an inspirationI sniffed again. My mistake. Per….
MY 5 YEARPLAN took its focus the day Alex and I were on
the elevator togetherFirst, I would arrest all the artists and
philosophers. Then I would make everyone wear gray and cut their
hair like Moe Howard. Then…. It was the typical cattle car
scenelots of shit on the floor and a crazy cowboy or two getting
their rocks off.. We were jammed in like sardines and the only
redeeming factor that when pressed against each other I realized
that Alex was sporting a very big hard onbloodlog. After this
revelation and a few later surreptitious glances, I realized that
…End of the part1. To be continued..


